Can "Love" work as an advocacy skill?
In the Evidence Based Birth® Childbirth Class, we teach 'Love' as an advocacy skill. It can have the biggest impact on how satisfied you feel about your birth. When you feel safe, supported, and loved, your body labors better, and you remember your birth more positively, even if things didn’t go as planned.
The Iceberg analogy helps explain that we show only a small part of ourselves to others, while much more remains hidden beneath the surface and can surface unexpectedly. When we go to the hospital, we hope nurses, midwives, and residents will be our biggest supporters. But research shows that during a typical shift, a nurse is in your room about 30% of the time, and half of that is spent on charting and other important safety tasks.
I often compare nurses to flight attendants to show the different roles they have at the bedside. Flight attendants are there mainly for our safety, even though we care most about comfort and satisfaction. Their main job is to keep us safe, so if we get upset about slow drink service, it can be frustrating for them when we act like our comfort should come first.
We need to remember that serving drinks or fixing WiFi isn’t a flight attendant’s main job. But it’s easy to forget this when we’re stressed, crowded in airports, and squeezed into seats. Air travel can make us take out our frustration on others, and flight attendants deal with this every day.
Nurses are similar. They have many tasks and need to pay attention to everything at once. Sometimes, a doctor or charge nurse tells them to start your IV or check your cervix, or take another patient. If you say 'not right now,' and the nurse replies with 'It’s hospital policy' or 'Your doctor has ordered this,' it might be because she could get in trouble if you refuse. There’s often more going on than what you see, just like the hidden part of an iceberg. Even if we don’t see it, it’s still there.
Think about what your nurse, midwife, or resident might be dealing with. They get orders from above and requests from patients like us, so they’re often caught in the middle and can’t please everyone. Maybe your midwife was up all night with her own baby, your resident has a sick family member, or your nurse is working extra shifts because her partner lost a job. If we knew these things, would we treat them with more compassion and kindness? I think we would.
So what can you do as a family giving birth in a hospital? Show your caregiver some love. Give your nurse a reason to want to help you. When we treat them with kindness and respect, it helps break down barriers and makes it easier for them to care for us. Nurses have a calling to help others, even when it’s hard to see. If we show love, we can encourage them to be true partners in our care because they want to, not just because they have to.
I know this from experience. When clients are kind and respectful, and make their room feel warm and welcoming with things like twinkle lights, lavender, and calming music, nurses want to stay. They often say, 'It’s so peaceful in here.' That’s the goal—supportive care. If we’re always demanding, though, it’s hard for them to feel motivated to help.
You might think this doesn’t really work, but it does. As an RN, I can tell you that I always wanted to stay in rooms where patients were kind and welcoming. Those patients made my shift better. On the other hand, demanding patients who treated me like the enemy lost my support right away. I was ready to be their strongest advocate, but when someone snapped, 'Nurse, my wife needs juice?' without even using my name, it showed me how little they valued me.
Here are some tips to show love to your nurse, midwife, charge nurse, or resident. These caregivers are often caught in tough situations between patients and providers. Try these ideas—I’ve seen them help even the toughest nurses open up. Of course, you won’t reach everyone. Some have just been doing this too long. They won’t change. Still, most nurses and hospital care providers have good intentions, even if they’re just having a rough day, week, or year.
Give these suggestions a try. I see them work at every birth I attend:
Learn your caregivers’ names. If they didn’t introduce themselves, you can say, 'I’m sorry, I missed your name. My name is John, and I’m Sarah’s husband.' Show the behavior you want to see.
Once you know their name, use it instead of their role. Just as we don’t want to be called 'the Gestational Diabetic in 31,' they don’t want to be called 'Nurse' or 'Hey.'
Partners, make eye contact when a provider enters the room. If you’re sitting far from the bed, stand up and join your laboring partner so you can be part of any important conversations. You’re important too. Let your presence be known, kindly.
Remember to say please and thank you. It may seem obvious, but it matters. I always greet new caregivers by saying, 'Hi, I’m Jen, and I’m Sarah’s doula. Thank you so much for taking care of us today.' It’s simple, but thanking someone in advance encourages them to meet your expectations.
Offer small acts of service. Your doula can help by picking up dirty linens after a position change, or you can ask your nurse, 'I’m going to the cafeteria. Can I get you anything?' Or, 'My mom is bringing Chipotle to the lobby. We’d love to treat you to lunch if you’re interested.' Even if they say no, it’s the thought that counts.
Bring treats. You can bake muffins or cookies during early labor and bring them to the hospital for the nurses to share. The quickest way to a nurse’s heart is often through food. Or bring individually wrapped, store-bought snacks with a sign inviting caregivers to take one. Nurses will appreciate the gesture.
Ask your caregiver about themselves. It doesn’t have to be personal—simple questions like, 'Do you have any kids?' or 'What were your labors like?' work well. I also notice accents and ask where people are from. Research shows that people appreciate when others take an interest in them.
Use touch to humanize the process. Yes, handshakes or a touch on the arm became awkward after COVID, but I’ll make a joke and shoulder bump that RN standing right next to me as an exclamation point. It’s that human connection. It shows your desire to share this experience with her in a meaningful way. Trust me when I say L&D nurses have a really good sense of humor. If you have a funny bone, use it. It’ll put everyone at ease, including the person in labor.
Write a thank you note. Keep track of the names of every nurse, midwife, and resident who helped you. Write them a note using their names to share how they made a difference. While it won’t change your own experience, it can brighten a caregiver’s day and help them bring a positive attitude to their next patient. This is a great way to pay it forward.
We sometimes forget about simple kindness. I encourage you to respond with positivity, even if others don’t. You won’t always succeed, but there’s nothing to lose. You get back what you give. I’ve seen nurses go above and beyond for my clients just because we offered a treat or politely asked, 'We can see how busy you are. No rush, but when you have a free moment, can my wife have some juice?' It’s easy to do, and I’m confident you’ll see great results.